theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
