In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
