can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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