soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
