I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
