I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
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The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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