yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
