Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
