i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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