i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
