Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
