i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's always time for handjobs
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
