I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If you need anything just hit me up
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My butt remains clenched, sir.