yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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