I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
