tonight lets celebrate not being married
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
