Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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