Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
