If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
