I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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