It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize