She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
