I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
