The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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