you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
