i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
