Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize