I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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