i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
