I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
did i walk over a car last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
