you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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