If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
