Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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