Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
