ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
