piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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