I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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