god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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