i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
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Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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