Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
