The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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