i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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