Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
