she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
