I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
