life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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