My nipple is on Facebook.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
