either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
