Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
