Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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