i don't like sucking hair
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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