so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
