New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
