so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
