sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
