Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
